Finally Admitting

I was the one who left my husband. I wanted out. I was through being Mrs. Stay at home with the baby while daddy ran around town like a teenager doing what ever the fuck he wanted. We argued constantly about everything from money to what I was doing at Wal-mart. He wasn't a bad guy... we just grew apart since we had married so young. I don't think he realized that he had to give up the single life, and with a load of single friends... that only made it worse.
The truth is when I left, I had expected him to come after me. To make me want to come back home. To prove that he loved me and our daughter. To tell me he was willing to grow up and was willing to be a father and husband.
The reality was this was the 3rd time I had left, and I think maybe he wanted it since he not once tried to get me to come back home. On the other hand, 6 days... a whole six fucking days after I was gone he already had a girlfriend... still sounds all to fishy to me but at the time it hurt. It hurt to the depths of my heart. I actually called him probably about the time he hooked up with that thang wanting to come back home... he said no. I cried til it hurt and cried til it didn't hurt all that night before finally falling alseep. When I woke the next morning, I felt somewhat relieved and content. Now, I am glad that I left and stayed gone, but sometimes wonder what I was doing so wrong that I couldn't make my own husband want me.
It thoroughly pisses me off to no end that he can take care of some woman and her children... but couldn't be there for the family he created. He doesn't act like a father... more like someone who only does things for everyone to see and note that he actually does somthing with her every now and then. That sorry fucker doesn't even call her... how fucked up is that. I often wonder if he even loves her despite his crying on occassion that he doesn't even know who she is anymore.......... its his own fault! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get the fuck over it!...
Damn right im jealous that he takes care of those kids and not his own. The son of a bitch... and I mean that literally... is too sorry to do anything for her. He likes to tell people that I wont let him see her...... bullshit. His mother tells everyone the same thing, fucked up thing is she never calls or anything. None of his family calls. Im not begging anyone to see or love my child. If they dont want her... I have more than enough love to offer even tho that isn't enough to fill the void she will have one day.
See, me not knowing my father still affects me today. I know how she feels when she is crying to me she wants her daddy. I know how she feels when she asks questions that I can't answer - even though I know where she is coming from.
If there is anything on the face of this earth that means anything to me... Its her. I wish they would all either treat her right or leave her the fuck alone. Its past damn time to do the right thing.
I want them to love her. I want them to call her. I want them to come pick her up and make her feel special.
Bunch of fucking lunatics... just see that I am a bitch. And that I am wrong. And that they will make sure my daughter knows what kind of a horrible person I am when she gets older. They are out to pick any and every fight they can with me............ only I am so wore down from fighting I have no energy to fight back... so I only let them see the happy me.
I am finally happy. Finally content with my life, somewhat. I mean I've been gone over a year and haven't had the urge to find a boyfriend, but I'm starting to feel happy but like something is missing. And not to mention I haven't had sex in a long ass time.....
Ah... the wonders of life.