Playing Catch Up
Well it has been two months since ive posted anything here.
Ive been a lazy bitch lately... feeling sorry for myself.
Tomorrow is my birthday and its depressing. How come when we are kids, birthdays are so fun... and now I'm like... OMG Im getting old and I dont know where the time is going! I become aware that the older I get, the older everyone around me gets... and you know what happens when people get old.
Nothing really new. Same old shit. I've been in this rut lately of just being depressed. I don't really have and real reasons to be depressed... other than I am an emotional person. I take things to heart. I get my feelings hurt easily, no matter how big of a bitch I try to come off as.
I have no regrets about things I have done but life just hasn't turned out how I wanted.
I may come off as complaining but Its not so much that I am complaining really... I just wish thigns were different. I wish things would change. I wish I could be happy. I am half asleep writing this and may not make any sense but maybe this will make me feel better.
I have some great friends. A great family. A great daughter. That should be enough to be happy but Im not. I want more out of life than to see other people be happy. I want that love that we all dream of. I want someone I can love as much as they love me. I want to have someone I can be totally and completely happy and comfortable with. Someone who will not judge me and treat me badly. Someone who enjoys the same things I do. Not someone just like me but enough like me that we can have a great relationship with each other and also know that we both need time to do our own things. It is depressing being alone. Lonelyness sucks. I feel incomplete.
Oh god.. and another thought about my birthday. I wonder if my "father" knows what tomorrow is. I know my DADDY does, but does my father. I hven't spoken to him in a few years and I dont know what I think about that. Why do people have children if they aren't going to be parents.? This causes daily problems for me. I hate what he did to me and I hate even more seeing *her* daddy do it to her too... at least she knows her daddy though. I didn't meet mine until I graduated HS. This is where I think some of my insecurity issues come in. Being left alone. ALways being left. What do I do so wrong? Is it my quest to be perfect? Is it that I am so child-like at times? Is it that I actually have feelings and the need to express them with the people I love the most?
It just fucking sucks to be so.... selfish.
XOXO
Ive been a lazy bitch lately... feeling sorry for myself.
Tomorrow is my birthday and its depressing. How come when we are kids, birthdays are so fun... and now I'm like... OMG Im getting old and I dont know where the time is going! I become aware that the older I get, the older everyone around me gets... and you know what happens when people get old.
Nothing really new. Same old shit. I've been in this rut lately of just being depressed. I don't really have and real reasons to be depressed... other than I am an emotional person. I take things to heart. I get my feelings hurt easily, no matter how big of a bitch I try to come off as.
I have no regrets about things I have done but life just hasn't turned out how I wanted.
I may come off as complaining but Its not so much that I am complaining really... I just wish thigns were different. I wish things would change. I wish I could be happy. I am half asleep writing this and may not make any sense but maybe this will make me feel better.
I have some great friends. A great family. A great daughter. That should be enough to be happy but Im not. I want more out of life than to see other people be happy. I want that love that we all dream of. I want someone I can love as much as they love me. I want to have someone I can be totally and completely happy and comfortable with. Someone who will not judge me and treat me badly. Someone who enjoys the same things I do. Not someone just like me but enough like me that we can have a great relationship with each other and also know that we both need time to do our own things. It is depressing being alone. Lonelyness sucks. I feel incomplete.
Oh god.. and another thought about my birthday. I wonder if my "father" knows what tomorrow is. I know my DADDY does, but does my father. I hven't spoken to him in a few years and I dont know what I think about that. Why do people have children if they aren't going to be parents.? This causes daily problems for me. I hate what he did to me and I hate even more seeing *her* daddy do it to her too... at least she knows her daddy though. I didn't meet mine until I graduated HS. This is where I think some of my insecurity issues come in. Being left alone. ALways being left. What do I do so wrong? Is it my quest to be perfect? Is it that I am so child-like at times? Is it that I actually have feelings and the need to express them with the people I love the most?
It just fucking sucks to be so.... selfish.
XOXO
posted by life's wonders at 8:47 PM
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