from then until now...

since ive been a mega slacker and haven't blogged in two months, i guess i could do a run down of whats gone on.
ive quit my job. old perv couldn't resist making comments and i finally had enough and just didn't show up for work one day and it all went from there.
i went to the CSE office, got papper work started and i should start receiveing my CS soon. thakn god, if i dont find a job soon its going to be needed.
of course ive been deemed a bitch for this but GDamit, i am a firm believer of people taking care of their children. children are very important and shoudl be the numberone thing in your life if you have them.
that subject gets me really pissed off and going.
so ive pretty much been sitting around the house, out and about looking for a job or just having pity part for one.
i have realized lately that i have no friends. well, let me simplify that. i have two real friends kinda. one is married to a butthole of a country man with two kids and doens't have the time nor money to do things so i hang out with her when we get a chance and the other... well- i love her but she isn't much of a friend to me. especailly when i need her.
then i have my net pals who are great. some of which ive never met but they are awesome.
then i have my ex brother in law, which im not really sure what category to put him in since we WERE family and all that good goo... my EX has always been jealous of us being friends but ive never really been sure why. i guess cause we always got along better than me and him did. afterall we were accused of having an affair. omg-he is like my sick twisted brother lol i loev him to death!
then i have my real friends that live from texas to south florida that i never ever get to see and i miss them so freaking much. The queen is a friend of mine that i have actually only been around one day. i met her through a friend and we have remained in contact through email and the OLM board. she is so sweet. if i dont get this job... shes coming to get me and my turkey for a vacation down in Miami. i kinda hope it falls through so i can go lol
that sounds bad... but me and my daughter have never been on a vacation. never. and she would more than love to go to a beach since she has never been. so yeah if i sound like a bitch saying that i hope i dont get the job and i will let my child support pay the two bills ill have and take a vacation I DO NOT CARE. my daughter deserves to see things like the beach and beautiful scenery. fuck everyone else.
and if that job doesn't work out... im also thinking about just going up to the local tech school and seeing if i qualify for financial and and want to get an envirnomental horticulture degree... seems to be the only thing that interests me.
anywho... im babbling like a brook...
until i have something more interesting to add..

Playing Catch Up

Well it has been two months since ive posted anything here.
Ive been a lazy bitch lately... feeling sorry for myself.
Tomorrow is my birthday and its depressing. How come when we are kids, birthdays are so fun... and now I'm like... OMG Im getting old and I dont know where the time is going! I become aware that the older I get, the older everyone around me gets... and you know what happens when people get old.
Nothing really new. Same old shit. I've been in this rut lately of just being depressed. I don't really have and real reasons to be depressed... other than I am an emotional person. I take things to heart. I get my feelings hurt easily, no matter how big of a bitch I try to come off as.
I have no regrets about things I have done but life just hasn't turned out how I wanted.
I may come off as complaining but Its not so much that I am complaining really... I just wish thigns were different. I wish things would change. I wish I could be happy. I am half asleep writing this and may not make any sense but maybe this will make me feel better.
I have some great friends. A great family. A great daughter. That should be enough to be happy but Im not. I want more out of life than to see other people be happy. I want that love that we all dream of. I want someone I can love as much as they love me. I want to have someone I can be totally and completely happy and comfortable with. Someone who will not judge me and treat me badly. Someone who enjoys the same things I do. Not someone just like me but enough like me that we can have a great relationship with each other and also know that we both need time to do our own things. It is depressing being alone. Lonelyness sucks. I feel incomplete.
Oh god.. and another thought about my birthday. I wonder if my "father" knows what tomorrow is. I know my DADDY does, but does my father. I hven't spoken to him in a few years and I dont know what I think about that. Why do people have children if they aren't going to be parents.? This causes daily problems for me. I hate what he did to me and I hate even more seeing *her* daddy do it to her too... at least she knows her daddy though. I didn't meet mine until I graduated HS. This is where I think some of my insecurity issues come in. Being left alone. ALways being left. What do I do so wrong? Is it my quest to be perfect? Is it that I am so child-like at times? Is it that I actually have feelings and the need to express them with the people I love the most?
It just fucking sucks to be so.... selfish.
XOXO

all eyes on me

funny how on another site where I post blogs I get an unsual number of view daily...it is so funny that some one or "SOME GROUP" think that I am so interesting and have to know every detail of my life that i might possibly make public enough for them to see.... I KNOW they look... they either are so fucking nosy that they can not stand it.................... or are trying to "catch" me in something that would never hold up because its the internet!!! FREEdom of speach.

I've been doing better. Should be getting some medical assitance soon... maybe I can get to a doctor and get my mood swings straighten out.... Ive been doing ALOT better.


I dont really have anything else to talk about........ so

if it must be done, i might as well be the first to do it

you know. i am so sick of bullshit. if all it will take is me to say that i am willing for forget everything in the past if they will... then i guess thats what i will do. BUT they will also get an explanation on how i feel about a few strong subjects and they will also know that there are two things i am not willing to budge on at this moment and if they dont like it then everyone fussing and fighting all the time can be their fault. if i can be the bigger person and offer my hand... they should be willing to do the same. right? omg now i have to figure out how to say what i mean... ug i hate this part.... cross your fingers for me

i dont know what this feeling is. i guess i tend to take things to heart too much. i feel lost. frustrated. angry. sad. hurt. i literally feel pain associated with emotions in my chest. what is that? is that depression? is it panic? I don't know what is wrong with me and dont really have anyone to talk to about it. i feel trapped in my own skin. im tired of being so angry all the time and then trying to cover it up. i hate pretending to be happy. wtf. its almost like being constricted. hard to breath. eyes swelling. it makes me sick to my stomache. it makes me feel even worse to know that people have control over me.

things i would love to say to people that i dont have the nerve to

Mind you own fucking business.
Stay the hell out of my life.
Get the facts straight.
Make yourself look stupid if you want to.
I dont give a fuck what you have one me...
Had things been done right fromt he begining.... this wouldnt be like this.
Everyone can kiss my fat ass if they dont like me.
I never ASKED you to like me anyway.
Im not like you, so I dont have to live like you did back in the day.
I need help, so if my parents are willing to help support me and my daughter when no one else will damn right I will let them........
Im not the one who needs to grow up.
I said my peace and you keep it going........
SHE will never hate me so go ahead and try.
People who try to turn children against one of their parents are seriously fucked up and need some help because they have issues thta need to be dealt with...
I'll fight for however long I have to....... I will not give in or up.
Dont be embarrassed that people know your business and that you have shitty ways of doing things and they you are so concerned with me and what I say that you can't get over it. Dont be embarrassed people know the truth.... EVERYONE knows BUT YOU................

Finally Admitting

I was the one who left my husband. I wanted out. I was through being Mrs. Stay at home with the baby while daddy ran around town like a teenager doing what ever the fuck he wanted. We argued constantly about everything from money to what I was doing at Wal-mart. He wasn't a bad guy... we just grew apart since we had married so young. I don't think he realized that he had to give up the single life, and with a load of single friends... that only made it worse.
The truth is when I left, I had expected him to come after me. To make me want to come back home. To prove that he loved me and our daughter. To tell me he was willing to grow up and was willing to be a father and husband.
The reality was this was the 3rd time I had left, and I think maybe he wanted it since he not once tried to get me to come back home. On the other hand, 6 days... a whole six fucking days after I was gone he already had a girlfriend... still sounds all to fishy to me but at the time it hurt. It hurt to the depths of my heart. I actually called him probably about the time he hooked up with that thang wanting to come back home... he said no. I cried til it hurt and cried til it didn't hurt all that night before finally falling alseep. When I woke the next morning, I felt somewhat relieved and content. Now, I am glad that I left and stayed gone, but sometimes wonder what I was doing so wrong that I couldn't make my own husband want me.
It thoroughly pisses me off to no end that he can take care of some woman and her children... but couldn't be there for the family he created. He doesn't act like a father... more like someone who only does things for everyone to see and note that he actually does somthing with her every now and then. That sorry fucker doesn't even call her... how fucked up is that. I often wonder if he even loves her despite his crying on occassion that he doesn't even know who she is anymore.......... its his own fault! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get the fuck over it!...
Damn right im jealous that he takes care of those kids and not his own. The son of a bitch... and I mean that literally... is too sorry to do anything for her. He likes to tell people that I wont let him see her...... bullshit. His mother tells everyone the same thing, fucked up thing is she never calls or anything. None of his family calls. Im not begging anyone to see or love my child. If they dont want her... I have more than enough love to offer even tho that isn't enough to fill the void she will have one day.
See, me not knowing my father still affects me today. I know how she feels when she is crying to me she wants her daddy. I know how she feels when she asks questions that I can't answer - even though I know where she is coming from.
If there is anything on the face of this earth that means anything to me... Its her. I wish they would all either treat her right or leave her the fuck alone. Its past damn time to do the right thing.
I want them to love her. I want them to call her. I want them to come pick her up and make her feel special.
Bunch of fucking lunatics... just see that I am a bitch. And that I am wrong. And that they will make sure my daughter knows what kind of a horrible person I am when she gets older. They are out to pick any and every fight they can with me............ only I am so wore down from fighting I have no energy to fight back... so I only let them see the happy me.
I am finally happy. Finally content with my life, somewhat. I mean I've been gone over a year and haven't had the urge to find a boyfriend, but I'm starting to feel happy but like something is missing. And not to mention I haven't had sex in a long ass time.....
Ah... the wonders of life.